I am writing tonight with a request to those who love me. My request is that I would like you to share my words with those around you. I have felt a nudge from God that has increased daily since Matt's death that my journey and the things I am feeling may be able to touch those around me who have suffered a loss of their own.
Since my journey has began I have also encountered the realization that loss comes in so very many forms. That when we suffer an emptiness inside we are left with a place that needs to be filled (this sentence comes from a wise friend who opened up an idea to me just a few days ago). My hope is that I might be able to reach someone who is looking to fill that emptiness, as I am, and we can travel this journey together.
I have no answers for those suffering a loss from death, divorce, sickness, or any number of other sadness that we will face in this life. I don't have the answers, but I am here in all my raw pain; ready and willing to open myself up to those who would find this kind of ugly and true honesty helpful. I am wrestling with God. I am questioning, doubting, and wondering constantly what His possible purpose or plan for me might be. And I have resigned to the idea that I may never know.
I also have reservations about opening up my life, and that of my children to people I may not know, but if our own stories can't bind us together in our lives here I'm not sure what else can. Beyond those reservations there is also my own insecurities that I have endured throughout my life. The ideas that most of us face at times; that we are unable to help, unable to reach out, unable to affect those of the lives around us. But with help from God I am tossing those insecurities aside, and taking a leap of faith.
There is no comfort in my loss at the possibility of being able to help others. I would not trade any hundreds of lives changed for one more second with my beloved; however, that finite thought will not change what happened. And so I hope that through this I may be able to find comfort with others who understand what it means to face, and live with loss.
So my request is this: share my words with those you know. Selfishly I am in need of comfort from others who have already been down this road, or are just beginning as I am. And my hope is that in some small form I might be able to be a leaning post for those who will encounter the life assured reality of loss.
For those of you who have encouraged my writing within this blog I would like to also extend my heartfelt gratitude. I have found joy in writing my entire life. It wasn't until Matt's death that I was able to share any of my written words. While trying to find the right way to define our love at the visitation and funeral I came upon the scrapbooks I had made Matt. The words in those books were sacred to me. I remember after I had given one to Matt he shared it with our neighbor friends, simply proud of the gift he had received, and I was mortified. The thought of opening myself up to others in such an intimate way gave me great anxiety. It was only after his death that reading those words made me realize that there was no other way to define our love in the terms that I saw it except through that writing. It was the kind words I received in regards to those scrapbooks that allowed me to start the blog. And the encouraging words about the blog that have brought me to this request.
God has called me to this. I don't know in what form, or how it will all work out, but this is where it begins for me. To ask those I love to share my pain, in hopes that my pain will resonate in the hearts of others, and a journey will begin.
Thank you, and I love you.