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Saturday, March 19, 2011

God in the Midst of Loss, A Request

I am writing tonight with a request to those who love me. My request is that I would like you to share my words with those around you. I have felt a nudge from God that has increased daily since Matt's death that my journey and the things I am feeling may be able to touch those around me who have suffered a loss of their own.

Since my journey has began I have also encountered the realization that loss comes in so very many forms. That when we suffer an emptiness inside we are left with a place that needs to be filled (this sentence comes from a wise friend who opened up an idea to me just a few days ago). My hope is that I might be able to reach someone who is looking to fill that emptiness, as I am, and we can travel this journey together.

I have no answers for those suffering a loss from death, divorce, sickness, or any number of other sadness that we will face in this life. I don't have the answers, but I am here in all my raw pain; ready and willing to open myself up to those who would find this kind of ugly and true honesty helpful. I am wrestling with God. I am questioning, doubting, and wondering constantly what His possible purpose or plan for me might be. And I have resigned to the idea that I may never know.

I also have reservations about opening up my life, and that of my children to people I may not know, but if our own stories can't bind us together in our lives here I'm not sure what else can. Beyond those reservations there is also my own insecurities that I have endured throughout my life. The ideas that most of us face at times; that we are unable to help, unable to reach out, unable to affect those of the lives around us. But with help from God I am tossing those insecurities aside, and taking a leap of faith.

There is no comfort in my loss at the possibility of being able to help others. I would not trade any hundreds of lives changed for one more second with my beloved; however, that finite thought will not change what happened. And so I hope that through this I may be able to find comfort with others who understand what it means to face, and live with loss.

So my request is this: share my words with those you know. Selfishly I am in need of comfort from others who have already been down this road, or are just beginning as I am. And my hope is that in some small form I might be able to be a leaning post for those who will encounter the life assured reality of loss.

For those of you who have encouraged my writing within this blog I would like to also extend my heartfelt gratitude. I have found joy in writing my entire life. It wasn't until Matt's death that I was able to share any of my written words. While trying to find the right way to define our love at the visitation and funeral I came upon the scrapbooks I had made Matt. The words in those books were sacred to me. I remember after I had given one to Matt he shared it with our neighbor friends, simply proud of the gift he had received, and I was mortified. The thought of opening myself up to others in such an intimate way gave me great anxiety. It was only after his death that reading those words made me realize that there was no other way to define our love in the terms that I saw it except through that writing. It was the kind words I received in regards to those scrapbooks that allowed me to start the blog. And the encouraging words about the blog that have brought me to this request.

God has called me to this. I don't know in what form, or how it will all work out, but this is where it begins for me. To ask those I love to share my pain, in hopes that my pain will resonate in the hearts of others, and a journey will begin.

Thank you, and I love you.


9 comments:

Jess said...

From one young widow to another - this was beautifully said! Glad I found your blog!

A Young Widow's Rant said...

Thank you Jess! I'm sorry for your loss as well :( I'll be following along with you!

Meg said...

Just wanted to say that you have a beautiful blog and keep it up. My heart is heavy for you. You are very strong to keep going and doing all that you are and having 2young children. I lost my FIL a few months ago and I know the pain and feelings you are describing. It does feel like the world is just revolving around you and you are stopped. It's hard to understand that you can't reach out and touch that person anymore, they are gone but their things are all around you. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray God gives you new strength to get through this unimaginable time in your life.

Edie Guess said...

Stephanie

I don't keep up with my blog any more but you can read my story there. My husband died on OCT 7 2007. He was 36 and left me and 3 kids. We were actually at Disneyworld on vacation all together. He was super healthy and God just decided that it was his time.

This road is a hard one but there is definitely beauty along this path - you just have to have eyes tuned to see it. I have clung to God with all my breath because I know that is my only hope in healing and because He is worth clinging too!

I am encouraged to hear you reaching out to others and seeking God amidst unbearable loss. I would love to talk to you more - if you would like you could email at edieguess@gmail.com.

Edie Guess said...

I don't know why my blog didn't pop up when you click on my name - pinkngreenpolkadots.blogspot.com

Angela said...

Stephanie,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband! My husband died January 9th, 2011. We have two wonderful children 6 and 8. A friend recommended your blog to me. I greatly appreciate you sharing your open, honest and raw emotions that you are experiencing. I have read and related to every post you have made and cried along with you! God is leading you in a great direction! Your ability to put this unimaginable pain into words the way you do is amazing. I find comfort knowing i am not alone in the thoughts and feelings i struggle with daily.

you are blessing in my journey...

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband 2-19-11 from a heart attack due to years of self destruction. He had a wild life before he met me but turned in all the crazy for a normal wonderful life with me and my daughter. We had only been together for almost two years when he went to heaven. I know that I am lucky to have had him for the time that I did but I can't understand why after him becoming an amazing husband and father, did God choose to take him away from me and my daughter. He is the only REAL father she ever knew, he was the only REAL love I ever knew. I don't understand and so I have started to write. I hope to understand the only death I have ever had in my life. I want to figure out how to have a life with my daughter and be able to deal with a heart that will never be whole again. I hope to find other people who are in my shoes to learn from. I hope to have some kind of happy life for my daughter sake. I need to figure it all out but I don't want to most days.

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Shelly said...

I just discovered your blog. I am a young widow myself with two young children. While reading your words, I can relate to so much of how you feel. Thank you for sharing with all of us your heart.