Exodus 3:14 God says to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM"
That is hardly a verse to mess around with. I know I am in no place to define who God is, where He lies, or what His plan is for me. If I were ever to take Pete Rollin's advice on "How [not] to speak of God", now would be the time. For I fear if I talk about it too much, I will miss God in this completely. However, since I am a stubborn and broken woman in want of answers I am going to take a stab at how the autopsy results have been haunting me. Matt died of Pneumonia. Most likely, an aggressive strain of bacterial pneumonia that attacked him after a virus weakened his immune system. This pneumonia probably took hold, attacked, and killed him with 24-48 hours.
So wrestle with me on this one, God. Here is what has been running through my head since receiving this news. There was a point in the end of January where you allowed, planned, or possibly willed a living organism that was part of your great creation into my husband body to destroy our lives, as we know them, in matter of hours. And I am not even going to begin on the 'What could we have done different', 'Did I miss something', and the 'Do healthy 33 year olds really still die of pneumonia'?
I know this idea is from Rob Bell, however I can't tell you which talk or sermon it was from, but I remember a description he once gives of God in relation to time. He speaks of the above verse and how rabbi's for centuries have been debating over what God meant here when he spoke to Moses. That God is not past, present, and future on some timeline we humans draw, but rather God is the paper in which we draw that timeline upon. So God 'was' with me before Matt died, He 'is' now while I try to pick up the pieces, and he 'will' be with me when I'm ready to put hope in a new future. And He is all those things right now [and before, and to come]. As crazy as this sounds, it's almost as if I'm angry at God for not warning me sooner.
I remember telling my friends shortly after Matt's death that the day in the hospital I could feel my heart changing. I could tell already that I would never be the same woman again. And so now as I try to work through what just happened; part of me, the part that knows God knew this is what He had in store for me, wishes He would have broke my heart like He did that day years ago. I'm 31, I have two children, and I'm a widow. It's lonely here, and yet it feels strangely familiar. I can't believe this is where He was taking me, I simply cannot believe it.
And Jesus is providing me the strength enough to know that this is not where God is bringing me, that where he is bringing me is somewhere other than today. And yet, that knowledge is falling on deaf ears right now.
Whatever the exact reason, since receiving this news, things have been hard[er].