They are not lying when the tell you the roller coaster of emotions is one that you ride very high and very low when dealing with a loss. Let's see if I know all the stages yet without having to rely on Google. . .Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. (I checked Google and I was pretty close).
This isn't however stages in which you proceed through in some mannerly fashion to neatly end at acceptance at some near date in the future. No, you go through days of depression, minutes of denial, hours of anger, and so on. Back and forth, through and again. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Bargianing was not something I did too much of. I learned, probably in my college days, that sending up "Flare Prayers" ala; "Please God let me past this test, and I won't ever drink again" not only don't work, but you usually end up a liar, and I can't imagine the man upstairs appreciates them all that much. But as I was thinking about this stage it brought to mind John 11. Jesus, knowing fully that he would see his beloved Lazarus again, speaks both with Mary and Martha and they both have the exact some thing to say to him.
"Lord, if you would have been here my brother would not have died"
Smart ladies, Mary and Martha. I have thought the same thing in the last month or so. If you were there Jesus, why did Matt have to die? But here is where it gets good, and it has nothing to do with Lazarus being resurrected. Upon seeing them weep, seeing others mourn, Jesus becomes deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
This verse means more to me now. Yes, Jesus was there when Matt died, and he could have stopped it. That anger will arise and arise in me over and over for quite some time to come. But more important then my anger is my savior's reaction to my tears. He is weeping with me.
Jesus is weeping with my heart in mind. Wow, is there comfort in that. In times like these you wonder if God is less compassionate than we say He is, we read He is, or hope he is. You battle with the "How could He?" or "Why would He do this?" But I think the more important truth to hold in times like these is not why. . .although you want to. . .but rather Jesus feels for us, feels with us. His spirit is deeply troubled at the same moments mine are. Did I already say wow, because I feel the need to say it again. Finally a comfort I can hold and keep as mine no matter the stage I am in. My Savior loves me, saved me, transformed me. and in my darkest hour he is crying along side me, holding me in His ever loving arms.