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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Stages of Grief

They are not lying when the tell you the roller coaster of emotions is one that you ride very high and very low when dealing with a loss. Let's see if I know all the stages yet without having to rely on Google. . .Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. (I checked Google and I was pretty close).

This isn't however stages in which you proceed through in some mannerly fashion to neatly end at acceptance at some near date in the future. No, you go through days of depression, minutes of denial, hours of anger, and so on. Back and forth, through and again. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Bargianing was not something I did too much of. I learned, probably in my college days, that sending up "Flare Prayers" ala; "Please God let me past this test, and I won't ever drink again" not only don't work, but you usually end up a liar, and I can't imagine the man upstairs appreciates them all that much. But as I was thinking about this stage it brought to mind John 11. Jesus, knowing fully that he would see his beloved Lazarus again, speaks both with Mary and Martha and they both have the exact some thing to say to him.

"Lord, if you would have been here my brother would not have died"

Smart ladies, Mary and Martha. I have thought the same thing in the last month or so. If you were there Jesus, why did Matt have to die? But here is where it gets good, and it has nothing to do with Lazarus being resurrected. Upon seeing them weep, seeing others mourn, Jesus becomes deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

"Jesus Wept"

This verse means more to me now. Yes, Jesus was there when Matt died, and he could have stopped it. That anger will arise and arise in me over and over for quite some time to come. But more important then my anger is my savior's reaction to my tears. He is weeping with me.

Jesus is weeping with my heart in mind. Wow, is there comfort in that. In times like these you wonder if God is less compassionate than we say He is, we read He is, or hope he is. You battle with the "How could He?" or "Why would He do this?" But I think the more important truth to hold in times like these is not why. . .although you want to. . .but rather Jesus feels for us, feels with us. His spirit is deeply troubled at the same moments mine are. Did I already say wow, because I feel the need to say it again. Finally a comfort I can hold and keep as mine no matter the stage I am in. My Savior loves me, saved me, transformed me. and in my darkest hour he is crying along side me, holding me in His ever loving arms.


Sarah said...

Makes me weep with you Steph. I love this story in the bible, and one thing that always amazes me is that Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead but he still wept. How much more he is weeping with you Stephanie. Hugs!

Kelly A said...

Thank you so much for your blog. I stumbled upon it and I am very glad that I did. Our youngest daughter passed away under the same EXACT conditions on Christmas Eve 2004. Campbell was 20 months old. Like Matt, she was normal the day before passed away early the next morning and then we found out is was pneumonia. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
The grieving process is a crazy ride and there are days where I find myself laughing and crying at the same time. Our oldest daughter, who was 3, when her sister passed away still has (and will probably always) have days where she misses her sister and cannot hide the fact.
Thank you again for starting this blog and sharing it.

A Young Widow's Rant said...

Kelly - Thank you so much for your comment and support. It's a testament to why I am sharing. I am so very sorry for the loss of your little girl, I simply can't imagine your pain. It's crazy to hear from someone who has experience the exact same thing, as I haven't found anyone else up to this point. It's also encouraging to know you've made it as far as you have, since you probably have felt as I do somedays that another day just may never come. Thank you again! Peace and love to you and your family!

Erynn said...

Stephanie- a fellow knottie from back in the day sent me your blog. I lost my husband over 2 years ago while I was 7.5 months pregnant. I am definitely not good with my words when it comes to this.. just wanted to extend my thoughts, prayers and support. If you ever want to chat/email ect let me know! I'll be thinking of you and your beautiful family. Stay strong!

A Young Widow's Rant said...


I wonder if you are the one Kuus talked of? :) She is great, I would totally be up for chatting or emailing. I think the more people I surround myself that have been through this, the better. is my email. Thanks you for reaching out!