Custom Search

Monday, April 4, 2011

Alone

For the first time since I started this blog I'm sitting down to write knowing that I cannot share my heart fully. That the turmoil I'm feeling within is just too dark to type out. The emotions that are arising are all encompassing, and I am exhausted. I am angry. Angry at God for placing this burden on me. Angry with Matt for leaving me. Angry at myself for believing too deeply, and at the same time for doubting at all. The sky was beautiful all day today. Spring is around the corner, and there is warmth in the air. First the sun breaking through the thick clouds this morning, reminding us that the season will someday turn. Then the huge white clouds floating over head. . .the kind you would stare at for hours as a child trying to decide what they were. Then this afternoon beams of sun pushing through those very same clouds - rays so powerful you can't help but stare at them in wonder. And now, a sunset with so many colors it can easily take your breath away. At each of those moments I heard God crying out to me through His creation. Crying out for me to take notice. Asking me to feel his love, to notice his world. I refused. . .I turned my head. . .I ignored Him. I am just so angry. So angry. I don't want to do this. I want to break down. I want to be able to leave everything behind and just sit in my pain and hurt alone. Or better yet, for someone to just take it away. There is something that is missing from my knowledge about my journey, something I'm not understanding about this path I'm on. It is not beautiful here without him. Life is not beautiful alone. And I am. . .alone.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Stephanie,

This is your dad's cousin, Natalie (your cousin, too). Aunt Elaine mentioned your blog to my mom, and I've been reading for the last few days. Just want you to know that your writing is powerful, and I'm certain that others who are grieving will resonate... I also have been moved, and although I've not lost anyone or anything in such a traumatic way, I am so aware that loss is around every corner. I feel like we all need to figure out some way to embrace it, because it's not going anywhere. Your writing is one example of how to do that...
My kids (Eddie and Jolie--10 and 7) and I are praying for you and your children at night--and we will keep doing so.
Peace and Love

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

barb said...

I am so sad for your loss - and tho I am much in the same boat I do not have small children. You are in my prayers - stay strong ----you are doing good so far-----small steps and we all here feel for your pain.

Anonymous said...

stephanie I am glad you believe and I found you on widowville but I must warn you, one person came on board and stated they had no faith, because I engaged in a conversation on my faith in God even though my spouse is gone, the superfresh widow kicked me off, and I did not even start the conversation so do not mention your faith to any one or they will kick you off.
postalwidow