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Monday, May 30, 2011

Give Me A Break

I'm not sure where to even begin. The last two, or is it three, weeks of my life have been hands down the most physically and emotionally challenging I have ever experienced. I am living in a fog. I rarely know which day it is, where I am suppose to be, or what I am expected to be doing. It started with an estate sale, and then it moved directly into my upcoming move. I've realized from talking to people that I failed to even tell a large group of my inner circle that I did sell my house. All of these things are perfect, and amazing, provisions from God. He has been so faithful, so good. I am letting Him move me each morning, and I think I am making progress. It is from around 4:00am (thanks to Isaac) to about midnight or later each day. I know God is providing in miraculous ways, and yet I'm tired. I am ridiculously tired.

The massive amount of responsibility and tasks that are laid out before me are so overwhelming I catch myself running in circles throughout the day too many times to name. By far the hardest part of the entire thing is the seemingly unavoidable half-hearted effort that the rest of my life is suffering. I struggle with my work. Obviously, there is no time to write. By the end of the day I'm too exhausted to open my books begging to be read, or worse, my Bible. I feel confused in almost every conversation; as if I have been living on some other planet, and I'm clueless to anything that has taken place on this one for months. There are friends I want to talk to, need to talk to, but I feel helpless to take the time out to do so. My house is a disaster, dinner never gets made, and I feel a mess 24/7. And forget about emails, bills, or any other commitments I would normally be on top of.

And then there is Isaac and Evelyn. Oh man. I feel like Isaac's first year of life is passing so fast at times I catch myself thinking he is four months old (the age he was when Matt died). Evelyn is so hungry for my time and attention it breaks my whole being. Nothing I can tell her will make her understand that this must get done, for all of our sakes. Or more importantly, that it will come to an end. Other people in my life show her the attention she needs, and she is cared for, but she misses her momma and I don't blame her. She is such a beautiful, bright, and wonderful girl. I hope someday she will be able to understand that I was doing what needed to be done for our family, and she will see me as strong. Right now though, that hope does neither of us any good.

The emotional piece of the sale, and now the move, would be enough in itself for any human. The constant line I waiver over missing Matt terribly, and wanted to yell at him until I'm hoarse over the mess he has left me with is a daily internal struggle. I continue to be dumbfounded at the things he left behind, and then heartbroken as I throw them away. There is part of filling a trash bag without the worry that my husband will later go through it (checking for things that were not 'really' trash) that is freeing, almost exciting. And again, part of it that is heartbreaking.

As I write, I am tired. My back is killing me, I am in desperate need of a shower, and tomorrow only brings more of the same. I have little to say, but that I am still here. I am still moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it. I long to write often, and more, but it is simply something I can not do right now. A couple of weeks, that is my hope. Push myself a little longer, a little further, and there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm not sure I have asked for prayers before, but I am now. I need strength, and endurance. Evelyn needs peace, and understanding. Isaac needs to sleeps longer;) I ask that you only take the time to pray over my family 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. God continues to be abundantly faithful to me. There is no doubt that without His strength, that shows up each morning, I would be locked in a padded room. Please pray for Him to continue to pour this superhuman strength out into my family, to continue to be glorified through my journey, and that I would be reminded that His grace is actually all that I need anyway.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Stephanie, I So appreciate your honesty and humility in writing this it takes so much courage and strength, thank you for sharing your heart! I am praying for you! If there is anything I can do to help, a meal, help move, watch your kids so you can take a nap! Seriously I would love to help. Blessings on you today.. May God shower you with strength and peace like you've never felt before! abri dubbe

Xaris said...

Despite all you are going through, God speaks through you to others. Your words are cogent and full of heart. You've never met us nor we you, but you and your children have become a regular part of our prayer life.

Sandy said...

Oh Steph! I too sold our home and moved. It was the hardest and most draining things to do. I can relate to everything you talk about. While I was happy to be finally throwing away stuff I had asked TJ to throw away for years, it was for me also heartbreaking. You have my prayers as you struggle through this move. I know looking back (I have been in my new home for a year now) it was the best thing I did as far as helping me to heal. The process at the time though was overwhelming....hang in there!

Barb said...

Oh, Steph, I am praying for you too. I am so glad I had the opportunity to develop a relationship with Evelyn. She is very precious. Now I feel comfortable in saying that I can come any day you need TIME. I am free Thursday and Friday or any day next week except Tuesday. Let me know. I love you.

Lynn said...

Xaris was right -- Although we have never met, you and your children find your way into my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your honesty...

Christine M. said...

From one widow to another, you are loved and you will get through the first year fully intact. I promise. If ever in need of a connection to the young widow community, I recommend this organization as they were a tremendous help to me: http://www.sslf.org/