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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Unlovable Little Me

Insecurity has always been a stumbling point for me. Insecurity has caused me to do things I shouldn't have. Likewise, not do things I know I'm being called to. I wasn't able to really name this thing, insecurity, until the last year or so. I feel some freedom in just being able to call it what it is. I don't feel alone in this insecurity, I feel at times it can be an epidemic. And there is some freedom in that as well. I think one thing I have learned through my grief is that the tried and tired saying that life is too short is true.

Insecurities aren't new. If they caused Moses troubles then it doesn't surprise me I have issues in dealing with them too. I do find it interesting though, as I keep going forward in life I find that in a category that I used to feel direly alone in, I'm anything but alone. We all have insecurities about something. It's been long understood that kids who are abused as children grow up to have larger issues in life, and one of these is insecurity. But I heard recently that due to the high volume of sexually laced images young people are exposed to at such a high rate our young adults now display characteristics the same as adults who were abused as children. So basically our children's over exposure to magazines, reality tv, models, commercials could later in life manifest itself into our children's minds the same as molestation would? This should be chilling.

Insecurity latches on to my belly like a leech; it sucks me until I feel sick to my stomach. It can seize me up in sheer panic. It can cause anxiety that bounces me off the wall. It can make me sleepy. It can make me depressed. It can make me eat. It can prompt me to starve myself. It is ugly, dark, and I hate it. I discovered my lies for what they were prior to Matt dying, but now with this new view of life and death as I look forward I'm beginning to think I don't want those lies feeding off my soul any longer. It is true that when defenses are weak, it's easier to fade back, to let the lies take over and give in to it's darkness. But there is a problem with this fading back. . .and that is it is hard for God to be glorified in the shadows. As long as He is in the world, then He is the light of it. . .right? Or in other words, if I allow my insecurities, or my lies to stand in the way of His calling, His plan for me, or even the tasks He has laid out for me to do for others . . . there is no light in me. Another chilling thought.

So, for me, it was identifying the lie I was telling myself. It is determining what other things I tell myself that I related to that lie, and calling them out as well. Everyone's lies are different. Mine came to me one day about two years ago in a stark and startling manner. I was probably the age of 16 (this coincides with the time of my first real boyfriend) when I began a habit of telling myself that no one would ever love me. Seems trite, right? I can practically picture myself even - A heartbroken teen girl sobbing over her pom-poms repeating to herself that "No one will ever love you" **insert dramatics here** And, for the most part, that image could have been spot on. When it started it could have been harmless, but the fruit from such a lie is no fruit I want to bear anymore.

And truly I don't know what came first . . . Was I born with a propensity to feel unlovable? Or did I encourage the deep roots of the lie because I repeated it to myself thousands of times over just a few short years? And something like feeling unlovable reaches to all relationships in one's life. It reaches to all communication. It reaches to places you wouldn't imagine. Every conversation, every interaction, every glance. Each one wrapped up and put under the context of my lie.

Now, I don't need you tell me that I am lovable. That is not the point. Because some people love me, and some people don't. That is life. The point is does Jesus find me lovable? The point is can I surrender my lie in order to step out each day and live life in a way that shows confidence in His love for me?

My prayer in this is that others would be bold enough to see if there is a lie that is holding them back from doing what they are being called to do. That they would call it a lie out loud. That the truth of who Christ is in us would be louder than any lie we may have become comfortable telling ourselves. That together we can let go of the societal demands place upon us, and focus instead on the gift of life as it was meant to be.

1 comment:

Wendy said...

Wow...this describes me perfectly and I love the new way of thinking about it. Thanks for sharing.