You know the part of a cheesy mystery movie, when the main character flashes back to different scenes suddenly able to see that the killer was giving them clues all along the way, and they are just now putting them together to make sense? My head is a little like that right now. And since I'm certain I will wake up tomorrow and it will have all fallen apart in my feeble mind I'm going to try to write it out to help give clarity at a further moment in which I might be in need of it.
To start; I have a beautiful and wonderfully colorful friend. I look up to this women for many reasons. One of which is we have similar pasts, similar loves in life, and similar struggles. Since I have met her she has spoke of freedom with such passion it could take the breath right out of your lungs. Freedom as a place she longs for, as a place she is going. Shortly after Matt's death I began to find an uncomfortable sense with this word freedom, although I couldn't tell you why. I guess my feeling was, 'Well there won't be freedom here' 'We can journey towards freedom but will not reach it until he wipes away our tears' Maybe even with a touch of 'Even if you were to get close something bad will happen to bring you back down'.
So fast forward to these last two weeks (aka my rough patch). I have been told by many who love me and are doing their best to wade in the waters of this thing called grief along side me that they are concerned. The exact why of their concerns is not as important as the root of it. I have been told I have anxiety, that my fears are not fact based, that my fears are abnormal, and that I can overcome when I'm willing to give them up. All these things came from a number of people, all close and dear to my heart.
In the most recent of these conversations I had a rare moment of solace in my vehicle on my way back home. I was in need of God's voice and he was ready to comfort me as only he can. The conversation started with this, "Please tell me what is wrong with me." The answer so crystal clear. It was beautifully and quietly sung. It was, "You are perfectly and wonderful made". My Abba Father knows just what to say when his little girl is down. The conversation continued, and although he revealed nothing further to me in that moment other than Psalms 139:14 (he spoke to me perfect, the verse says fearfully. I don't know what that means, other than that is what he said, and this is the verse that I was led to.)
So what is it my Father is trying to reveal to me? I have lived thinking that freedom on the earth was an unattainable thing for me, and yet people tell me it's about being ready, people tell me my fears are wrong. And there it is . . . a new lie. A deeper seeded lie I hadn't recognized prior to this moment. It sounds like this:
"You are forgiven from your past sins; however, you must still carry them with you as a definition of who you are, and a weight of what you've done."
Whoa. Heavy stuff. That is a lie, and it could have slipped past me for years if God wasn't such a giving father to let me in on my stumbling block. I often find myself holding on to things because I feel I must pay for them, I missing the true meaning of grace in my life.
My friend, that colorful beauty I spoke of, she is right! Freedom? It can be obtained. Jesus wants that for us . . . he DIED in order for us to receive it. I have shown repentance of my sins, I have allowed forgiveness, but I forgot something vital. I forgot surrender. I still carry those sins on my back. I still let them define who I am. And that is not what grace is about. So what does the bible say in regards to my slavery to sin (and it's consequences)?
"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever
the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
2 Corinthians 3:17 (NLT)
Defining this lie, figuring it out, calling it out is not the freedom I'm looking for. But it is a step in the right direction. It's time for someone smarter than me to hash this head of mine out with me.
". . . One thing I can tell you is you got to be free." The Beatles.