In the car yesterday Evelyn said something to me that she says quite often, "I wish I could just see daddy." It's heartbreaking, and up until that day I always fumbled with my answer. I told her I wanted to see him too. I told her that we will always have pictures and memories. I told her that he will always live on in her heart. And, at times, some of those things gave her some comfort, but it never felt as though I was helping her the way I desired.
The answer that I gave to her on this day came from a day I had last week. I was changing Isaac's diaper. There he was peaceful and serene, just laying in on his changing table. He was looking up at me, and me down at him. He wasn't smiling, he was just being. He blinked. And there was Matt. He blinked again; and again, I saw Matt! It was now me blinking, but they were blinks to hold back tears. Everything about Isaac's eyes were shining brightly, and I could see Matt alive again in that very moment. It was exhilarating.
So on this date when Evelyn told me that she wished she could see her dad I felt a little leap in my heart. I had an answer, and I was excited to share with her. I told her that she could see her daddy anytime that she wanted by simply looking at her brother. That both Isaac and her were each half of daddy. That in their own special ways we could see daddy in each of them.
I continued to tell her what it is about her that reminds me of her father. Her attributes are far more personality related. She repeats phrases over and over, a funny quirk her father definitely was known for (for those of you who know him the following might ring some bells 'M i k e J o n e s' 'Foove-a-lyn-duv-a-lyn' 'Everybody loves the Maggie-Mags' ... I could go on for hours, but I'll save some for another time).
Evelyn understood. She got it. She looked happy. She watched Isaac for the next ten minutes straight, wonderment on her face. It was nice to be able to give her some wisdom that actually brought her real peace. It was nice to see her smile, instead of frown, after a discussion about her father. It was a nice step forward.