It’s been almost a month since I’ve written a word. Nothing seems to go the way I think it will go; so it seems the smart thing to do would be to stop worrying about the way it will go. To place myself directly into the faithful hands I claim to stand upon, relax, and enjoy the world around me. So easy to type; not so easy to live.
Mostly, I’m busy. Mostly, I’m tired.
I’m also surrounded, overwhelmed, excited, confused, happy, and frustrated.
Surrounded by those who love me . . . my children, my parents, my friends, my church, Brad, and so many more. Overwhelmed by the to-do list, that didn’t even exist in life prior to Matt’s death, now haunting my desk with an endless array of menial tasks. Excited that I have decided to start school again; this time to finish with a degree. Confused, even still, as to how I got where I am, why it was my life it happened to, and what this means for where I am going. Happy the children and I are healthy and getting settled in our new home. Frustrated by, well, aren’t we all frustrated some of the time?
I’ve been listening to Romans 8 lately. Intently. Patiently. Waiting on it to explode in my soul. There are a million treasures God has stored amidst these 948 words. There are words like flesh, Spirit, God, suffering, heaven, hell, angels, and demons. These words are moving. They are exciting. They remind me that God is hyper-present in our lives. Not just for a widowed mom of two, but for all of us. We are all suffering with Christ, but the reward of that suffering is great, and not the reward we catch ourselves waiting on promised after this life. I'm talking about the reward we are living right now.
Romans 8 tells a story about a God who loves us. Who loves us so much he not only let us have His Son, but allowed us to crucify that Son for our own sake.
And after all that . . . after love . . . and sacrifice . . . . and death . . . and resurrection -- there was Sprit. Spirit left behind to live in us, to be in our flesh.
His Spirit . . . In our flesh. In our bones. In our blood.
The flesh that succumbs to the world. The bones that rattle in frustration over things far too small for such anger. In the blood that boils when we have to wait for things we want now. He is there. He is the one that goes before us and reminds us that we no longer our bound by the laws of this world, and so he will see to it we no longer succumb. He is the one that moves us away from frustration and into action for those who can not act on their own. He is the blood that warms us to the social injustices of those who can not afford healthcare, those who need food, and those who need clothes.
It is that moving, that warming, we should follow. When we follow Him who was sent to go before us we are living the reward now. We will find peace and grace and joy. You have the capability to make a difference. Ask for it. Look for it. And act on it.