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Thursday, October 13, 2011

A Season of Painful Firsts

Emotions are running so high right now. I haven't felt this down since the first six weeks. It's the time of year. The leaves changing, the weather turning cooler. It's that feeling you get when you smell something you haven't smelled in ages, and the memories of something wonderful melt over you with such a realistic sensation; except now the wonderful is tainted with death.

Our anniversary, my birthday, Isaac's birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Evelyn's birthday - In that order. These days are flying at me at a frightening pace, and yet time is slowing down. My hearts aches so bad to see him raking leaves, or putting up Christmas lights (this would not be too early for him to have begun working on that display). I want to celebrate Isaac's first year of life, but I also want to hide from it. I want to look forward to what life is bringing, but it's just not that easy.

I heard Evelyn crying last night after saying goodnight. I went back in to check on her, and she was clutching a photo of dad and her riding on the log chute from Nickelodeon Park at the Mall Of America. I broke down next to her. It was the first time in months we had held each like that, and audibly cried out together to God for peace. It felt good, and it felt awful.

"I just want him to come back to play with me the way he used to."

What do I say to that? Her father was a 7 year old living in the body of a 33 year old, wrapped up with so much energy at times it could be exhausting to just watch him, and topped off with more time than any father I've ever known. He didn't care how much he spent on her, or how long it would take to rig up something fun for her. All that matter was that she was happy.

How do I tell her that he wasn't "normal"? That those are the reasons I loved him so dearly, and yet the reasons we often fought so passionately. Most men grow up. Matt fought that, and I suppose in some ways he won. Evelyn was lucky to have got to experience that person. I can't say the same for Isaac, and that breaks me to the core. Matt should be here for his son's first birthday, he just should be.


Jason Elam said...

What a heart-wrenching night that must have been. I'm sure you've had many others like it and sadly, more to come. Our family and church family here in north Alabama will be praying for you, Isaac, and Evelyn to know the grace and peace of God like never before. We'll also be praying for God's wisdom as you encounter tough questions like the one you mentioned above from your kids about why Matt is no longer physically with you.


Jeremy said...

A beautiful post - thanks for being willing to bare your soul as you wrestle with questions that no young mother should have to. Blessings on you as you lead your children to the foot of Jesus and show them how to grow through the pain.

Sandy said...

This time of year seems to be hard on many of us. My heart aches for your children and you. Obviously you have a birthday coming up so "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Robin said...

I can relate well to this post. Within three months of my husband's death we had four birthdays followed by father's day. We celebrated my youngest's birthday a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to imagine conveying to her just how wonderful her father was. It sounds like your husband was passionate about life and a great dad. It's impossible to fill such a huge void. I hope my children somehow manage to become great adults without their father her to guide them.

Anonymous said...

That was very touching,I am a young lady in my early thirties,I lost my husband to a motor accident about 7months ago when my third and last child was just 6days old,I look ay my children and wonder how we would do it all by ourselves but I have come to rely on God as the Alpha and Omega,the one that knows the end from the beginning and also on the holy spirit,the great comforter