Emotions are running so high right now. I haven't felt this down since the first six weeks. It's the time of year. The leaves changing, the weather turning cooler. It's that feeling you get when you smell something you haven't smelled in ages, and the memories of something wonderful melt over you with such a realistic sensation; except now the wonderful is tainted with death.
Our anniversary, my birthday, Isaac's birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Evelyn's birthday - In that order. These days are flying at me at a frightening pace, and yet time is slowing down. My hearts aches so bad to see him raking leaves, or putting up Christmas lights (this would not be too early for him to have begun working on that display). I want to celebrate Isaac's first year of life, but I also want to hide from it. I want to look forward to what life is bringing, but it's just not that easy.
I heard Evelyn crying last night after saying goodnight. I went back in to check on her, and she was clutching a photo of dad and her riding on the log chute from Nickelodeon Park at the Mall Of America. I broke down next to her. It was the first time in months we had held each like that, and audibly cried out together to God for peace. It felt good, and it felt awful.
"I just want him to come back to play with me the way he used to."
What do I say to that? Her father was a 7 year old living in the body of a 33 year old, wrapped up with so much energy at times it could be exhausting to just watch him, and topped off with more time than any father I've ever known. He didn't care how much he spent on her, or how long it would take to rig up something fun for her. All that matter was that she was happy.
How do I tell her that he wasn't "normal"? That those are the reasons I loved him so dearly, and yet the reasons we often fought so passionately. Most men grow up. Matt fought that, and I suppose in some ways he won. Evelyn was lucky to have got to experience that person. I can't say the same for Isaac, and that breaks me to the core. Matt should be here for his son's first birthday, he just should be.