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Sunday, October 23, 2011

You Are Not Here

Today we will be celebrating your son's first birthday
And you are not here
He will stick his chubby little fist into a giant cake and create a beautiful mess
And you are not here
He will fumble with wrapping paper as Evie sits close by doing the actual work
And you are not here

He has gotten so big, so unlike the last night you saw him. He is a chubby boy, just like you were when you were a baby. He loves to eat, and does so every chance you give him. He's barely crawling, just scooting around, and reaching out - full of curiousity. Curious and yet so content to watch life going on around with a huge smile on his face. He's just beginning to want to stand, to want to be helped walking. He laughs so much. Laughs when Evie tickles him. Laughs when you make faces at him. He is a sweet baby. He snuggles in when you hold him, and he rarley fusses. He loves the silky's you got for Evie and him, remember his was brown. Saying he loves it is putting it lightly. He gets anywhere near it and immediately curls into a type of ball, head first into the silky side of the blanket. He's whole body seems happier in those moments. Oh and he also does this thing when he gets excited, where he lifts his hands, makes fists, and revs them up (we call it the motorcyle).

I really can't describe how painful it is that you are missing this. How unfair I feel it is. How anger, long since forgotten, has reared it's ugly head once more. One of our friends reminded me this morning that, 'Matt always did love a good party.' And she was right. There will be a smile missing in the room today. A voice a little louder than the others that won't be heard. No one will probably show up in a suit, tie, and hat (and possibly sunglasses). We are having a party today that you would have loved, but you are not here.

I miss you.

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