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Sunday, February 5, 2012

Dear Matt

Dear Matt,

It has been one year since you left me.

There has been so much that has happened since that day; since the day you died; the day that I hate to think of. There are days when it feels like ages has past since you were here with us, and moments when I think I can still hear you clambering around the house. I think of you everyday. Each waking minute brings the possibility of a thought that has the unwelcome power to throw me back into my old life with you. I struggle each time one of those moments arise with the question of whether or not I should melt into a pile of grief and let the tears overcome me, or push it aside with courage to continue on.

You cross my mind in daily tasks. I let your determination encourage me when I'm faced with things I would rather not take on. I imagine the things you would say to me to get me to try harder. I feel you smiling down on me when I finish a project that I know you would have loved to take on with me. I'm proud of myself every time I take care of my house in the same way you would have, knowing that you are so relieved to see I actually did learn a thing or two from you.

My heart flutters each time I hear Evelyn say, "I miss daddy", and she does so often. I lose my breath whenever Isaac turns his head quickly to look at me, and I see your eyes shining out from his. I soften when I call for Maggie in that low slow tone you would, and she jumps towards me, as if for just a moment she thinks it was actually you calling her to play.

I can't put into any amount of words what I would tell you if I had the chance at one more conversation. I long so much for reassurance from you. Reassurance that I made all the right decisions over this last year. The thousands of decisions ... in regards to our home, to the kids, to the new home, and to all your material things. I would want to hear from you that you are happy I found Brad, and that you give us your blessing in mending our broken family together. I would want to hear you loved me, that you always loved me, and that you had always felt loved by me as well. I would want to know that on the night you died you were not afraid, but instead at peace knowing I was with you. I would ask you what it was you most wanted the kids to know about you, and what you wanted them to know least. I would tell you that Isaac misses you; even if him missing you seems unlikely, I would tell you he does. I would make sure the pictures and notes that Evie leaves you under her pillow, for the angel to take, are all making it into your hands.

I've changed so much in the last year, Matt. Changed how I see life, how I see death, how I see God. I've started putting aside fears so long held in my heart that I had begun to believe they were who I were. I've learned to hold death differently, life differently, and fears differently. I've stopped letting my past get in the way. I've started to step out in faith, and dance around the mystery of unknowing.

To say you are missed doesn't start to explain. To say you were loved, still are loved, doesn't begin to scratch the surface. You made an impact on this Earth, and I feel so blessed that - even if it was for far too short a moment - I was able to call you my husband.

Always and Forever,
Stephanie

8 comments:

Bill Mangrum said...

I am grateful to have found your blog and grateful, too, for your sharing simply, without polish, your life this past year. Please keep writing, keep walking forward. Your children are blessed by your courage.

Morgan Guyton said...

Thank you for your dignity and courage. God uses it to help me learn to trust Him.

John said...

Wow, this is beautiful and moving. The sort of thing that reminds me what a gift we all are to one another, Thanks for sharing your journey and for being vulnerabl and honest! My best to you and your family!

Cara said...

Thank you for helping me to love more. May the angel take or words to where they are needed most in the world. I am sure Matt hears them & knows he's loved.

Wendy said...

Beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know where to begin. I never met you or Matt but Matt graduated from high school with my brother. Through FB I heard of his passing and your blog. I began following you and your journey, praying for you and the babies. I am soo sorry for everything you had to go through. You are so talented with your writing, I could feel your love for him in each one. Please know there are many people out there that love you and will help you when you need them. You are an amazing woman!

lori said...

u have done such a good job with all of this u have held your chin high even in the almost hardest times you and your children are amazing people

Gerry Morton said...

Stephanie,
I want to extend to you the right hand of fellowship and my deepest sympathies...I received Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior at age 27...God did not bring my wife into my life until I was 35...we married in December 1992...I was barely 36....Julie had just turned 29 2 weeks prior...first marriage for both...in August 1998 she was diagnosed with cancer...long story short GOD called her home in June 2002 leaving me alone with 3 boys...then 8,6,and 17 months...now 18 (almost 19),17,11 it has been rough at times...but GOD has seen us through and they are fine young men...TO GOD BE THE GLORY...if I can be of help please feel free to email me....
mortonfamily@cox.net

Gerry Morton